Bow your heads…

4297-o

Today did not start off by being a good day. I’ve been just annoyed and irritated all day long. It started last night as I was sharing with my husband about the things I wanted for ❤ Dis Chick <3.

Him: “Why?”

Me: “Well 1st of all, because my mom is no longer here and it reminds me of how lonely/depressed my life was at that time.”

I went on to explain to him that at that time when that show 1st aired was in 1987, I was a mere 11 years old and when it went off the air, I was 19 yrs old. I was thinking about all the time in between that how I rarely, if ever missed an episode of the “TGIF Line Up.” Ya’ll remember ABC had the shows every Friday night…”Full House,” “Family Matters,” “Step-by-Step” and I believe “Boy Meets World” but during my teen years as in old enough to date, I wasn’t dating. I didn’t have a boyfriend, no best friend…the people that I thought were my friends weren’t, I was home from college for the summer after my Freshman Yr and I was just home. I was weighing into the 200’s at that time and there was no one checking for me at all. I then started sharing with my husband about what I wanted for our daughter during that time in her life. How I wanted her to be in love with her life and with herself. I wanted her to experience life on her own without waiting for a man or a BFF to validate her and make her feel like she was needed, wanted, and/or loved. That I wanted her to travel and not be ashamed to take herself fine dining and just to treat, pamper, and spoil herself.

My husband took it upon himself to make everything I shared with him about him. He told me that I was bitter and that I really didn’t believe in love and how I didn’t want my daughter to fall in love.  I told him that I want whomever she falls in love with that I didn’t want them to compete with her, but compliment her. I wanted her to be confident in herself and how she views herself. He made it about him so much so that he brought up my past and things that had occurred before we got married. How that all related in his mind, I don’t know. But he took it back and we started back and forth because I had gotten confused about why he was going off and he brought up the fact that I still talked to other people while we dated. I don’t know about y’all, but my parents told me that I didn’t have to be tied down to anyone. If I wanted to go out to eat with John, then I could and if Barry wanted to take me to a movie, then go….Mr. pointed out that this one guy in particular was always in the background of our “relationship BEFORE MARRIAGE…” and I informed him that we weren’t married and why is what happened before we got married bothering you this much?

He became all up tight and it was pissin me off. This sent me down the path of “Lawd, why did I marry HIMMMMM??” again along with all of the “I. Told. You. So” that my mother had drilled in me prior to me getting married and a little bit after I was married. I just got ill and went to bed. So this morning he calls me to “fake” apologize and try to bring up the same subject again. This time I told him don’t call me no more the rest of the day. But he called and like a dummy I answered and he tried to apologize again and start up again. Guys…our 10 year wedding anniversary is tomorrow and I don’t feel no kind of way about it. To me, it’s 10yrs of being in a marriage that doesn’t seem like a marriage at all. I don’t understand the reason why he feels like I lied to him and cheated on him or whatever his brain is thinking before we got married.

We lived together off and on from 2002-2005 and then got married in 2006. I still can’t wrap my mind around it. If we’re celebrating 10yrs on tomorrow, dafuq you complainin’ for about something that happen way before I even thought about getting married? Anyway, that has me all in my feelings today and just overall upset and how I feel like I’m wasting my life in the 1st place by being in this complacent marriage and then by this immature dude, and just feeling like I’m in an relationship with a 14yr old boy instead of a 39 year old man. Smh But yeah…keep me in your prayers. I’ve been borderline depressed and teary eyed all day and feelin’ like I just want this to be done already and that someone else was coming home to me besides him. Pray for my marriage and pray for me because Phat is real sick and tired of the stupid ish. But I still want the same thing for my daughter and that is for her to have a life and self confidence better than her mom did.

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