Breaking Point…

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I remember when…

When I was 20 years old, I was in my 2nd realest relationship. I was with a guy and I was sexually active. I thought we were serious. His momma referred to me as her daughter-in-law and I referred to her as my mother-in-law. I thought I was in love. I would get off campus and go straight to his house on the weekends. His momma would let me stay down there as long as I wanted to. I just didn’t stay the night. I remember this song would make me feel some kinda way. The last relationship that I had been in at that time was with my 1st love. You know the one you give your all to and then they crush your heart and you die a million times? (<—yeah that.) Well, this song made me feel like the guy I was dating at this time was doing EXACTLY what Joe was sangin’ about. He was doing all the things the last dude in the relationship wasn’t doing. (Except taking me out on a night cruise on a yacht. LOL) I thought I had it going on. My mo didn’t think he was attractive enough for me and used to crack jokes at everyone else’s expense. I would feel some type of way because I wanted her to like my boyfriends and not just their personalities. I thought he was attractive. But anyway, back to this song, I still listen to the lyrics:

Tell me what kinda man, would treat his woman so cold
Treat you like your nothing, when your worth more than gold
Girl to me you’re like a Diamond, I love the way you shine
A Hundred Million dollar treasure,
I’d give the world to make you mine

I’d put a string of pearls right in your hand
Make love on a beach of jet black sand
Outside in the rain, we can do it all night

I’ll touch all the places he would not
And some you never knew would get you hot
Nothing is forbidden, when we touch

Baby, I wanna do
All of, the things your man wont do (I’ll do them for you)
Baby, I wanna do
All of, the things your man wont do (I’ll do them for you)

I’ll take you out on a night cruise,
On a Yacht… just can’t loose
‘Cause we got alot to look forward to… 1,2 whatcha gonna do?
What good is a Diamond, nobody can see?
I hear he’s got you on lockdown, but I got the master key

I’ll light up all the candles all around
Show me to the subway I’ll go down
Nothing can be sweeter, than the sound of making love
Baby when I start I just can’t stop
I love you from the bottom to the top
Nothing is forbidden, when we touch

Baby, I wanna do
All of, the things your man wont do (I’ll do them for you)
Baby, I wanna do
All of, the things your man wont do (I’ll do them for you)

I’ll light up all the candles all around
Show me to the subway I’ll go down
Nothing can be sweeter, than the sound of making love
Baby when I start I just can’t stop
I love you from the bottom to the top
Nothing is forbidden, when we touch

Baby, I wanna do
All of, the things your man wont do (I’ll do them for you)
Sweet Baby, I wanna do
All of, the things your man wont do (I’ll do them for you)

Ooh, I got a Jones in my bones for you
There ain’t a damn thing that I won’t do
I’ll make your body cream with my sex machine
I won’t stop until I hear your mother scream

Baby, I wanna do
All of, the things your man won’t do (I’ll do them for you)
Baby, I wanna do
All of, the things your man won’t do (I’ll do them for you)
Sweet Baby, I wanna do
All of, the things your man won’t do (I’ll do them for you)
Baby, I wanna do
All of, the things your man won’t do (I’ll do them for you)
Sweet Baby, I wanna do
All of, the things your man won’t do (I’ll do them for you)
Baby, I wanna do
All of, the things your man won’t do (I’ll do them for you)

These lyrics still give me butterflies and I’ve been married for 11 years. I’m still waiting to experience all the things my man won’t do. I thought that when I got married that all this would be waiting for me. Obviously, those R & B songs are a bunch of bull. I ain’t came across a song yet that matched my relationship besides this one and this one. ROFL! It’s a few songs that take me back to a time where I was very happy in my relationship and was planning a forever with this person and that never materialized. I’ll talk about that another time.

Let’s just say, my song has yet to be written. Maybe I need a Songwriter or a Singer…

~PHATGURLLOVE~ (C) 2017

The more I teach you, the dumber I get…

Why is it that I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. EVERY DAY….I am so tired of playing these childish ass games with a childish dude. (My Blackness wants me to say Nigga…) This dude has been out of work for almost two months now. I am EXAUSTED. Why can’t he understand that this is not helping out situation. We got a new car….got denied for a house. After jumping through the hoops to try and be approved. We were actually getting approved for a singlewide trailer, but it fell through. We had gotten approved for a home loan for 110,000. But after starting the process for the trailer, this dude wanted to keep going. I NEVER wanted a trailer. It’s what I grew up in. When I pictured a house for me and my family, I pictured a house-house. Now here I am with a dude that is worrying me about stupid shit. Like taking time off work to stay home and fuck and I’m the only one working. Riding around all weekend and shit and I gotta have gas to go back and forth to work. How is it that you have to explain basic shit to a 40yr old supposed to be man. I don’t understand his way of thinking at all. I’m so sick and tired of going through this bullshit with him. I am too grown to continue to go through this shit with 4 children. This house is a mess. It’s getting worse and worse and I’m the only one that can clean it and I just don’t want to. I’m TIRED! Fucking tired. I’m tired of being the end all, be all for everything. I feel like I’m the only bitch that’s smart up in here. How can you say the dumbest shit ever. We’re behind in all the bills. I’m trying to go permanent at my job only to not get the position and this dude sitting at home chillin, talking about he’s cleaning up. I wish ya’ll could see (I really don’t) how it looks in here. I’m embarrassed! I don’t ever invite people over. When people come over, I meet them outside in the yard and I don’t let them come in. I’m sick of it. I just don’t understand. I’m tired of questioning if I can do it alone. I know that I can. I just have to make up my mind to do it. Something has got to change. He’s not working…claiming he’s been ill and ain’t went to see not nan Doctor. I’m so angry and bitter. This is not what I signed up for at all! Why is it that I’m going through the stupidest shit ever? I

Again…

 

18k0w472evv2pjpgSo here it is Mother’s Day Weekend…guess who’s doing nothing, getting nothing, and going nowhere?? Yep, me. It’s my own fault I suppose. Being with someone who doesn’t think that celebrating any holiday related to you and love is important. I seem to always be the one to get celebrated on an “off day” or on a day of no relevance and at the time in particular, it’s not even a day of “Just Because…” it’s a day of ” I couldn’t when I was supposed to…” I’m so sick and tired of being in this same situation EVERY single year and on every single day of importance.

You have been with me FOREVER! I still have to go through the same BULLSHIT YEAR AFTER YEAR and all I get is a fucking “I’m sorry…” I wish to God that this dude could feel how I feel on a daily basis. It just doesn’t make any sense to me whatsoever.

How do you expect someone to be “intimate” and loving towards you when all you get offered to you is Sex. THAT’S ALL! It’s always an EXCUSE! All the GOTDAYUM TIME! I’m so sick and tired and sick and tired that I don’t know what in the HELL to do! Why is it that this shit is always going on on a consistent basis and this mofo can’t understand why I’m upset and Ill all the damn time. HOW DO YOU NOT NOTICE IT AND NOT CARE???!! He doesn’t give a shit about it.

Tomorrow will be Mother’s Day, Hell Monday will be a new day and this day will be forgotten for him and for me it will be another one that I’ll remember being utterly disappointed and disgusted at him for this yet again another year that I’m not celebrated by my spouse. Now this dude wants me to jump up to take him to buy me a card and he’s been knowing all week that this day was coming. He’s had time to do this. I wish I would jump up and do that shit. That will piss me off even more. You gone go out and get me a card the day before the day?????? I was just talking aobut this last night and told him that I’m always “The After Thought…” and I am….how do you not care about my feelings? All you think about is your fucking DICK. Fuck yo dick. I don’t want the shit. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m so over being married to this dude. He AIN’T SHIT! I swear if there was a rewind button, I’d keep all my kids the same and have a different person to raise them with. Especially a man that complemented me. This dude don’t match me in no way, shape, or form. They say you get what you attract, ain’t no way in hell I attracted this shit. SMMFH. I can only pray that one day I have the strength to leave or that he changes. I know I’m not perfect, but I do know that  I deserve better than this!!! So sick of this…..

 

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You damn sho’ll ain’t….

 

 

(c) 2017 PHATGURLLOVE

 

Failing Much?

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When you feel like you’re failing at everything in life, it’s just not a good feeling. Lost my job January 27th, was laid off. Told that the position was coming to an end on January 25th. Apparently there wasn’t enough funds in the budget to keep us on permanently (there were 4 of us) as they had stated in the interview. (I was hired through a hiring agency.) Then just overall overwhelmed with the stress of being out of work AGAIN and especially after being fired October the 5th. I feel like I can’t win. The struggles of wants and needs will make you go crazy! I feel like at the age of 40, I should have my life together. Be healthy, a lil wealthy, and be able to afford the basic necessities without being worried about what’s gonna be short or what I’m going to have to do without. But DAMN, why can’t people let me be great?

I got offered the chance to work a job making an income that I had yet to make. But the problem? Yeah it was a problem. I needed a babysitter for ONE HOUR to watch my kids. I couldn’t get anyone to help me. I’ve been outta work for 2 weeks now. I have been applying for everything that I know I qualify for. You would think my phone would be ringing off the hook with having a Master’s Degree. But naw, it doesn’t work like that. Places calling you offering you $10 and hour. I’m just like what in THE hell?! Can’t they see the experience that I have? Can’t they see the degree? I mean, what are they thinking? Is it me? I’m feeling so inadequate in more ways than one. I have been letting things get me down. Some things due to my own shortcomings and the others due to life’s hangups.

I just want to be a better mom and wife and do my part. Unfortunately, my part consist of me being a financial contributor to my household. My husband cannot do it alone. I wish he could. But sadly, his income alone cannot support us all. I just pray that I get a job that will be a permanent position and that will be flexible in regards to understanding the occasional sick child here and there along with Dr’s appts and teachers conferences. I am so ready to get out of debt, relax, save, and start to enjoy life before it just becomes repetitive and drags on with just us working to pay rent forever. I want to buy a house and be stable for once in my life. I’m getting too old for this shit.

 

~PHATGURLLOVE~

 

It’s 2017, so now what?

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I wanted to do a post on Jan 1st, but hey life happens. I couldn’t remember my password to save my life and I decided not to reset my password. *Shrug* December 31st was pretty uneventful and boring to say the least. I went to the ABC store and grabbed a couple of bottles for Mr and I…I’m trying to be a team player now. He wanted us to get a lil tipsy and do tha tango. (Of course…) I was all down for the tipsy part and struggling as usual with the “tango.” I was nervous as hell because my period was a day late. I was like we ain’t had relations but once and that was not that long ago for me to be preggers, but I was nervous to say the least. Being 40 knowing that your time is winding up as far as reproducing can be nerve wracking in itself, especially when you know you want another baby. <—yeah, I do. I’m honest with myself in that regard. But outside of that we got our drank on and then *BOOM* Mother Nature showed up and I was glad. I felt guilty for being glad… so then he asked for “Special Attention.”

This is something that I have been struggling with lately. When I say there is little to no attraction….none. I don’t know what to do to get it back. I get irritated when he even mentions anything remotely related to us touching. I need to know what is wrong with me. I feel attraction to others…like I find other men attractive and I can imagine doing thangs with them, but anything with my husband turns me off. I can’t explain it and I’m trying to get around it, but it never seems to dissipate.

I’m feeling guilty and I hate to just do it just because he wants to because I wanna want it too. But I don’t. I’m content without it from him. I dunno, it’s not the medication I’m on. It can’t be, because it’s him. Anyway, I’ll let y’all go, let’s just say, Happy New Year and hopefully it will be better than the last because Jan 1st was already off to a rough start.

 

 

~ Phatgurllove~ (c) 2017

 

No Dream, Without Vision

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Here lately y’all…I’ve been strugglin’. Let me just say that I’m in a space right now where I don’t know where to go right or left. I’ve been feelin’ this way for a while now. I’m not sure on what to do about my feelings except to put them here. No one else seems to care, so instead of venting to people who just nod and grunt as I rant, I’ve decided to do what I do best and that is write them down and share them with God, the Universe, and those that are interested in my lil space in the world and all that goes on within it.

Mr has been missing days here and there out of work. I’m being trying to convince him to get on disability. Some people may not know that my husband has Cerebral Palsy. He was born with it. He does not drive and has never operated a vehicle. He takes public transportation to work that is not as reliable as it should be. As far as disability is concerned, he used to get it some time ago and when he became employed for the 1st time ever in 2005, his disability check stopped and his paychecks started. But over the years, his work ethic has went to ” I ain’t gone be able to take off” to “I don’t feel right/like going/my stomach/my head…” and then taking off and I’m struggling to calculate the already behind bills into something worth paying. We’re currently behind in ALL our bills. EVERY last one of them. I don’t know what to do besides say a prayer and hope that I can pay something on it. But with the kids being sick here and there and each of us having to take time off work for them or either one of us being sick…it has just been a nightmare for me. Mr seems all calm, cool, and collected until we’re “threatened” with a disconnect notice, eviction notice, or something that’s going to really affect him.

I know it appears that I’m ramblin’, but just stay with me a lil while longer. When I got married, I never thought that I’d be where I’m at now. Shoot, I think I told y’all before that I didn’t think I was the marrying type to begin with. But anyway, I never thought that I’d be in a marriage that wasn’t thriving. What I mean by that is, I know people go through struggles and hardships but I never assumed that everyday of my marriage would be a hardship. At least in my opinion. I struggle to do it all while he reaps the benefits. He only has 2-5 things on his mind and none of them involve us getting ahead or getting financially stable. I’m not able to get there because I feel like I’m pickin’ up his slack all the time. Now before someone says, ” Have you talked to him about it?” I’ve did that, wrote it down, put him in FB groups with me, emailed him different financial challenges only for him to say “Yeah let’s do it” and never start or to him never opening my emails. I feel like I’m the only one with visions and goals for our family. I get mad because I feel as if I’m the only one that wants these things such as:

  1. Home Ownership
  2. 401k/529 Savings Plans
  3. Vacation Spots
  4. Savings in general
  5. Better Vehicle
  6. Create more memories for our kids and for us
  7. Fall in love with him and not just for him to desire me sexually all the time
  8. Be able to shop and make purchases without wondering if it will affect our bills
  9. Buy more for our kids
  10. Do more investing and possible flip houses.

Now with that being said…it’s some little incidentals in there too, but that all goes into #10. Mr decided to stay home today just because “he didn’t feel like going in today” and that he was “tired.” I didn’t say a word as he just sat there and called and cancelled his ride this morning. I became really upset and bitter. He was just home yesterday because our daughter and son were sick. I just started a new job and I’m not able to see my $4.00 pay increase because I’m steadily playing catch up. I’m also getting paid weekly which is harder than I thought it would be. I feel so bad at times.

My house is a mess, I can’t stay on top of that, my kids are asking for things that I should be able to get them with no problem, but I can’t because I can’t afford to do the things I should be able to afford to do. *UGH* He has the nerve to get mad when I don’t feel like having sex or being affectionate. I just don’t have it in me. I have no desire for my husband whatsoever. I’ve been praying about it. I just feel like he’s let me down and I’ve let myself down for allowing all of these things to take place. BUT what can you say to a 39yr old man? I can’t make him do anything. So I’m like if you go back on disability, that’s a guaranteed income and you don’t have to worry about being fired if you are sick and whatnot. But he doesn’t want to do that.

Christmas is in 2 weeks. For the past 4yrs or more, my kids have been on the receiving end of gifts for various charitable organizations. I’m tired of that. I know that is what they are there for, but I feel like we should be able to give our children what they want for Christmas and not what strangers have picked out and for some other child that really needs it to get them. I’m not saying that I’m not grateful, but I want to buy my kids Christmas. He seems content every year and he doesn’t even help me go pick out stuff for them. I could go on and on, but a lot of the times I feel like he draggin’ me further and further into the darkness.

I have so many goals and things I want to do for my children and for our family, but I’m the only one that has it. I can’t even get him to help me around the house. He’s only concerned about us not having sex and that in itself is the downfall of our marriage and we have so many issues and blah-blah-blah, but as soon as the “act” is done, I’m the best wife in the world, but he still doesn’t do shit. I just feel like I’m gonna be here forever. His lack of motivation is causing me to be highly upset, stressed out and my anxiety level is above and beyond life. I want another baby, but he doesn’t help me enough with the kids we have, plus our house ain’t big enough, and with the finances we can’t move…I feel like if I can’t have another baby then I’m definitely going to feel some kind of way about that.

I’ve given up a lot for this marriage and still giving up things and he’s only concerned about fuckin’. If he put as much time and effort into going to work, helping me around the house, working to secure our future and our kids, then maybe I would have the desire and the energy to get it on. I don’t know. I hope I don’t sound selfish, but I just feel like I’m on a journey to nowhere but being homeless and having a bunch of meaningless orgasms.

 

Bow your heads…

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Today did not start off by being a good day. I’ve been just annoyed and irritated all day long. It started last night as I was sharing with my husband about the things I wanted for ❤ Dis Chick <3.

Him: “Why?”

Me: “Well 1st of all, because my mom is no longer here and it reminds me of how lonely/depressed my life was at that time.”

I went on to explain to him that at that time when that show 1st aired was in 1987, I was a mere 11 years old and when it went off the air, I was 19 yrs old. I was thinking about all the time in between that how I rarely, if ever missed an episode of the “TGIF Line Up.” Ya’ll remember ABC had the shows every Friday night…”Full House,” “Family Matters,” “Step-by-Step” and I believe “Boy Meets World” but during my teen years as in old enough to date, I wasn’t dating. I didn’t have a boyfriend, no best friend…the people that I thought were my friends weren’t, I was home from college for the summer after my Freshman Yr and I was just home. I was weighing into the 200’s at that time and there was no one checking for me at all. I then started sharing with my husband about what I wanted for our daughter during that time in her life. How I wanted her to be in love with her life and with herself. I wanted her to experience life on her own without waiting for a man or a BFF to validate her and make her feel like she was needed, wanted, and/or loved. That I wanted her to travel and not be ashamed to take herself fine dining and just to treat, pamper, and spoil herself.

My husband took it upon himself to make everything I shared with him about him. He told me that I was bitter and that I really didn’t believe in love and how I didn’t want my daughter to fall in love.  I told him that I want whomever she falls in love with that I didn’t want them to compete with her, but compliment her. I wanted her to be confident in herself and how she views herself. He made it about him so much so that he brought up my past and things that had occurred before we got married. How that all related in his mind, I don’t know. But he took it back and we started back and forth because I had gotten confused about why he was going off and he brought up the fact that I still talked to other people while we dated. I don’t know about y’all, but my parents told me that I didn’t have to be tied down to anyone. If I wanted to go out to eat with John, then I could and if Barry wanted to take me to a movie, then go….Mr. pointed out that this one guy in particular was always in the background of our “relationship BEFORE MARRIAGE…” and I informed him that we weren’t married and why is what happened before we got married bothering you this much?

He became all up tight and it was pissin me off. This sent me down the path of “Lawd, why did I marry HIMMMMM??” again along with all of the “I. Told. You. So” that my mother had drilled in me prior to me getting married and a little bit after I was married. I just got ill and went to bed. So this morning he calls me to “fake” apologize and try to bring up the same subject again. This time I told him don’t call me no more the rest of the day. But he called and like a dummy I answered and he tried to apologize again and start up again. Guys…our 10 year wedding anniversary is tomorrow and I don’t feel no kind of way about it. To me, it’s 10yrs of being in a marriage that doesn’t seem like a marriage at all. I don’t understand the reason why he feels like I lied to him and cheated on him or whatever his brain is thinking before we got married.

We lived together off and on from 2002-2005 and then got married in 2006. I still can’t wrap my mind around it. If we’re celebrating 10yrs on tomorrow, dafuq you complainin’ for about something that happen way before I even thought about getting married? Anyway, that has me all in my feelings today and just overall upset and how I feel like I’m wasting my life in the 1st place by being in this complacent marriage and then by this immature dude, and just feeling like I’m in an relationship with a 14yr old boy instead of a 39 year old man. Smh But yeah…keep me in your prayers. I’ve been borderline depressed and teary eyed all day and feelin’ like I just want this to be done already and that someone else was coming home to me besides him. Pray for my marriage and pray for me because Phat is real sick and tired of the stupid ish. But I still want the same thing for my daughter and that is for her to have a life and self confidence better than her mom did.

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Ok, It’s been a while…

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It has been a long time since I’ve been here. It’s been over a year. Trust me when I say I’ve been here several times in my head. I’ve known all my life since keeping a journal, that this is something that needs to remain constant in my life. Some updates, I gave birth to my daughter on May 31st, 2015. Let me just say, that deserves its own blog post. I will share that with you later as I just vomit these words out.

Let’s just say the last time I was here; I was telling you how excited I was about finding out that I was pregnant and having a baby girl. Now I’m hear telling you what I’ve been knowing all along. I should’ve never had gotten married. I’m not even sure at this point if it was even part of God’s plan… (Forgive me Lord.) I mean it seems like these days I’m “pretending” to be a wife, while still being a mom to my children. I can’t say that I’m head over heels in love or if I have ever been. In fact, I’ve never been. Let’s just put it out there.

I struggle daily with my marriage (as I guess do other folx) but I feel like I’m carrying it as a burden and not as something that I’m happy about. I mean I struggle with being nice, loving, intimate…just the overall marriage itself. I have days where I’m like…”Fuck it, I’m out…” but I have nowhere to go and neither does he. His family has completely abandoned him except the occasional FB inbox message from the woman that gave birth to him and from his brother that he was raised in the house with. I still find it hard to believe that his mother is alive and refuses to deal with him because of me. (Again, another post.) But I hate being married. I feel like I’m trapped in a perpetual hell with a man that I don’t want to touch me, kiss me, or etc….because I’m not “feelin'” him like that at all.

I know what you’re thinkin’…”But chyle…y’all got babies together…” Yeah, we do…but the 1st one I don’t know how that happened…like for real and the other was planned down to the days, charts, and ovulation kit. But other than that sex is pretty much nonexistent unless I allow him to touch me or let him know I wanna be touched. But only when I’m a horn ball. I know it’s unfair, but y’all don’t understand. My husband only shows interest in me sexually. No other time…like we don’t talk or communicate much about anything. When we argue hard…it’s about sex. *sigh* I’m so not turned on by this man or stimulated mentally in the least. YESSSS, I’ve communicated this to him and I’ve sought out all kinds of YT videos and Pinterest Pins to try and find a resolution to the problem and to see what it is that I’m doing wrong and what can I do right. But there are some major (Well, major to me…) issues that prevent me from initiating relations between us. And y’all… I want one more baby. Tell me how that’s gonna work?

I’m always fantasizing about how I wish my marriage was and how I wish my husband treated me and catered to me. I just can’t seem to get him to understand. Our marriage is not what I consider a “traditional” marriage. My husband is disabled (my mother told me there would be days like this…) and the bulk of the physical work or just work in general falls on me. I’m tired all the time…I just need to know that this marriage is worth me bending over backwards for, because from where I’m sitting…the grass that looks greener is lookin’ mighty good. Like my momma used to say…”You still there, you ain’t that tired of it yet.” I guess not. I would like to be happy in my marriage, but I guess I just don’t know how. I’m tired of “fakin’ it, till I make it…” I just wanna make it already.