Paying for Your Sins

Do I really deserve everything that is being given to me? You know a lot of times we tend to wonder whether or not we deserve the best and not just settle on what’s being given to us. You guys know the group Mary Mary? We’ll they’re a sister gospel duo that sing praises to the Lord for some of us to enjoy. One of their songs is called “Go Get It…” *Listen to it HERE.* I had a hard time with this song when I 1st heard it. I was wondering why do I have to go get my blessings? God is gonna bless me right where I am.

But in my younger days I remember hearing the older folx say “If you make one step, He’ll make two.” I believe that while you’re taking all those steps that take you on a journey to go get your blessing, all the things that you receive along the way may not be things you want, but things you need. In your soul searching journey, do you forget what you we’re wanting to be blessed with, when you receive something you thought you wanted? Maybe I’m confused. I never wanted to get married, I always wanted kids. However after getting married, I credited my marriage with saving my life. (I’ll share more about that later.) But after being married for 8yrs and having some of the highest of highs and lowest of lows was I wrong in the choosing/getting of my husband? (The Blessing?) I’m alone in another room listening to him shout commands at his new, latest gadget: The XBox Kinect.

When he gets his new toys…it’s like his family doesn’t exist. I’m always with the kids anyway, there’s a new baby on the way, and I’m feeling really alone. This is all over the place, but just roll with me…lol, I chose my husband, it wasn’t the traditional, biblical kinda way and sometimes I feel that my unhappiness comes from me choosing him. I try and put on a happy face, join all these Happy Wives Groups on FB and read and look at what not to do or what to do, but nothing seems to work to take that feeling away. Am I the only one that feels like that? You’ve made your bed, so now you gotta lay in it, literally?

Starting from Scratch

It’s been so long since I’ve been here. I’ve been itching to write for a long time, but I felt as if the things I wanted to write about were so horrific and horrible, that I might be banned from the internet. LOL Let’s see, where to start…for those that followed my previous blog, I wrote about poetry, my life, and shared the things I encountered while out in the world of “Spoken Word.” I was moving on up in my word of Blogtalk Radio, promoting local artist and my youth mentoring program, all while being an awesome mommy of one, wife, and Graduate Student. The last 4 years have brought about some changes and I can’t seem to put my finger on if they were good changes or just changes that had to be made in general.

Within the last 4 years, I have given birth to my 1st biological child, adopted a 2nd child, and I’m now expecting 2nd biological child for a total of 4 children 6 and under…3 BOYS! Except for this child I’m carrying. You see, this here is my protegé,  my mini me, my shadow, my one thing that I’ve wanted for a while now….a GIRL! Y’all, I cannot believe that I’m expecting a little girl. This changes the game in so many different ways. There are so many things that I am going to pour deep into my daughter, that she might even get tired of me saying it to her. I love my sons with my everything. It’s sad for me to say this, but my husband unfortunately can’t teach them anything.

My husband comes from a family of moochers and users. Not all, but the side he resided with. They don’t have anything to do with him or us. He still does not fully live up to the definition of a man in my book. I settled. I blame myself for my unhappiness. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, he loves me. But it’s not the type of love that I desired to have from my husband. He is lazy, not a go getter, and has no problems with admitting his flaws, but does nothing about them. My boys learn what they know from my daddy and what I try to teach them in regards to what men do for women  and what not to do and as that get older it may be the way I wanted to be treated, to be the way they treat the women that they chose to date. It may not be the best way. But I know that I’m not the only one that likes to courted and catered to. But enough of that, I’ll talk about that in another blog later.

I just know that I want my daughter to know her worth. To love herself and to be in love with herself and who she is. But as far as for right now, she’s baking away. Tucked in my womb and LAWD I’m suffering’ this pregnancy. She’s definitely putting’ a woopin’ on my girlie parts and has taken all of my energy. I have 16 more weeks to go. It may seem like a short time to some of you and an even shorter time to me. But starting from scratch with this blog is going to be something that I have to do, not just for me, but for my daughter and for my sanity. Some days, I don’t feel like it’s worth the trouble, but it hasn’t taken me out just yet.

I’m still learning’ and I plan on sharing what I’ve learned with her and others. Starting from scratch with her makes me feel some kind of way. I feel as if I’ll be living vicariously through her and maybe I will. Not in the sense of do what I did or what I should’ve done. But in the manner of living’ live to be enjoyable and not to make life enjoyable for others and miss out on your sense of self and get lost in the shuffle of being a mother and a wife, especially when you’re not on the receiving end except for sex…oh, y’all heard that…ok, another blog, another day.



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