I wanted to do a post on Jan 1st, but hey life happens. I couldn’t remember my password to save my life and I decided not to reset my password. *Shrug* December 31st was pretty uneventful and boring to say the least. I went to the ABC store and grabbed a couple of bottles for Mr and I…I’m trying to be a team player now. He wanted us to get a lil tipsy and do tha tango. (Of course…) I was all down for the tipsy part and struggling as usual with the “tango.” I was nervous as hell because my period was a day late. I was like we ain’t had relations but once and that was not that long ago for me to be preggers, but I was nervous to say the least. Being 40 knowing that your time is winding up as far as reproducing can be nerve wracking in itself, especially when you know you want another baby. <—yeah, I do. I’m honest with myself in that regard. But outside of that we got our drank on and then *BOOM* Mother Nature showed up and I was glad. I felt guilty for being glad… so then he asked for “Special Attention.”
This is something that I have been struggling with lately. When I say there is little to no attraction….none. I don’t know what to do to get it back. I get irritated when he even mentions anything remotely related to us touching. I need to know what is wrong with me. I feel attraction to others…like I find other men attractive and I can imagine doing thangs with them, but anything with my husband turns me off. I can’t explain it and I’m trying to get around it, but it never seems to dissipate.
I’m feeling guilty and I hate to just do it just because he wants to because I wanna want it too. But I don’t. I’m content without it from him. I dunno, it’s not the medication I’m on. It can’t be, because it’s him. Anyway, I’ll let y’all go, let’s just say, Happy New Year and hopefully it will be better than the last because Jan 1st was already off to a rough start.
~ Phatgurllove~ (c) 2017
Here lately y’all…I’ve been strugglin’. Let me just say that I’m in a space right now where I don’t know where to go right or left. I’ve been feelin’ this way for a while now. I’m not sure on what to do about my feelings except to put them here. No one else seems to care, so instead of venting to people who just nod and grunt as I rant, I’ve decided to do what I do best and that is write them down and share them with God, the Universe, and those that are interested in my lil space in the world and all that goes on within it.
Mr has been missing days here and there out of work. I’m being trying to convince him to get on disability. Some people may not know that my husband has Cerebral Palsy. He was born with it. He does not drive and has never operated a vehicle. He takes public transportation to work that is not as reliable as it should be. As far as disability is concerned, he used to get it some time ago and when he became employed for the 1st time ever in 2005, his disability check stopped and his paychecks started. But over the years, his work ethic has went to ” I ain’t gone be able to take off” to “I don’t feel right/like going/my stomach/my head…” and then taking off and I’m struggling to calculate the already behind bills into something worth paying. We’re currently behind in ALL our bills. EVERY last one of them. I don’t know what to do besides say a prayer and hope that I can pay something on it. But with the kids being sick here and there and each of us having to take time off work for them or either one of us being sick…it has just been a nightmare for me. Mr seems all calm, cool, and collected until we’re “threatened” with a disconnect notice, eviction notice, or something that’s going to really affect him.
I know it appears that I’m ramblin’, but just stay with me a lil while longer. When I got married, I never thought that I’d be where I’m at now. Shoot, I think I told y’all before that I didn’t think I was the marrying type to begin with. But anyway, I never thought that I’d be in a marriage that wasn’t thriving. What I mean by that is, I know people go through struggles and hardships but I never assumed that everyday of my marriage would be a hardship. At least in my opinion. I struggle to do it all while he reaps the benefits. He only has 2-5 things on his mind and none of them involve us getting ahead or getting financially stable. I’m not able to get there because I feel like I’m pickin’ up his slack all the time. Now before someone says, ” Have you talked to him about it?” I’ve did that, wrote it down, put him in FB groups with me, emailed him different financial challenges only for him to say “Yeah let’s do it” and never start or to him never opening my emails. I feel like I’m the only one with visions and goals for our family. I get mad because I feel as if I’m the only one that wants these things such as:
- Home Ownership
- 401k/529 Savings Plans
- Vacation Spots
- Savings in general
- Better Vehicle
- Create more memories for our kids and for us
- Fall in love with him and not just for him to desire me sexually all the time
- Be able to shop and make purchases without wondering if it will affect our bills
- Buy more for our kids
- Do more investing and possible flip houses.
Now with that being said…it’s some little incidentals in there too, but that all goes into #10. Mr decided to stay home today just because “he didn’t feel like going in today” and that he was “tired.” I didn’t say a word as he just sat there and called and cancelled his ride this morning. I became really upset and bitter. He was just home yesterday because our daughter and son were sick. I just started a new job and I’m not able to see my $4.00 pay increase because I’m steadily playing catch up. I’m also getting paid weekly which is harder than I thought it would be. I feel so bad at times.
My house is a mess, I can’t stay on top of that, my kids are asking for things that I should be able to get them with no problem, but I can’t because I can’t afford to do the things I should be able to afford to do. *UGH* He has the nerve to get mad when I don’t feel like having sex or being affectionate. I just don’t have it in me. I have no desire for my husband whatsoever. I’ve been praying about it. I just feel like he’s let me down and I’ve let myself down for allowing all of these things to take place. BUT what can you say to a 39yr old man? I can’t make him do anything. So I’m like if you go back on disability, that’s a guaranteed income and you don’t have to worry about being fired if you are sick and whatnot. But he doesn’t want to do that.
Christmas is in 2 weeks. For the past 4yrs or more, my kids have been on the receiving end of gifts for various charitable organizations. I’m tired of that. I know that is what they are there for, but I feel like we should be able to give our children what they want for Christmas and not what strangers have picked out and for some other child that really needs it to get them. I’m not saying that I’m not grateful, but I want to buy my kids Christmas. He seems content every year and he doesn’t even help me go pick out stuff for them. I could go on and on, but a lot of the times I feel like he draggin’ me further and further into the darkness.
I have so many goals and things I want to do for my children and for our family, but I’m the only one that has it. I can’t even get him to help me around the house. He’s only concerned about us not having sex and that in itself is the downfall of our marriage and we have so many issues and blah-blah-blah, but as soon as the “act” is done, I’m the best wife in the world, but he still doesn’t do shit. I just feel like I’m gonna be here forever. His lack of motivation is causing me to be highly upset, stressed out and my anxiety level is above and beyond life. I want another baby, but he doesn’t help me enough with the kids we have, plus our house ain’t big enough, and with the finances we can’t move…I feel like if I can’t have another baby then I’m definitely going to feel some kind of way about that.
I’ve given up a lot for this marriage and still giving up things and he’s only concerned about fuckin’. If he put as much time and effort into going to work, helping me around the house, working to secure our future and our kids, then maybe I would have the desire and the energy to get it on. I don’t know. I hope I don’t sound selfish, but I just feel like I’m on a journey to nowhere but being homeless and having a bunch of meaningless orgasms.
Today did not start off by being a good day. I’ve been just annoyed and irritated all day long. It started last night as I was sharing with my husband about the things I wanted for ❤ Dis Chick <3.
Me: “Well 1st of all, because my mom is no longer here and it reminds me of how lonely/depressed my life was at that time.”
I went on to explain to him that at that time when that show 1st aired was in 1987, I was a mere 11 years old and when it went off the air, I was 19 yrs old. I was thinking about all the time in between that how I rarely, if ever missed an episode of the “TGIF Line Up.” Ya’ll remember ABC had the shows every Friday night…”Full House,” “Family Matters,” “Step-by-Step” and I believe “Boy Meets World” but during my teen years as in old enough to date, I wasn’t dating. I didn’t have a boyfriend, no best friend…the people that I thought were my friends weren’t, I was home from college for the summer after my Freshman Yr and I was just home. I was weighing into the 200’s at that time and there was no one checking for me at all. I then started sharing with my husband about what I wanted for our daughter during that time in her life. How I wanted her to be in love with her life and with herself. I wanted her to experience life on her own without waiting for a man or a BFF to validate her and make her feel like she was needed, wanted, and/or loved. That I wanted her to travel and not be ashamed to take herself fine dining and just to treat, pamper, and spoil herself.
My husband took it upon himself to make everything I shared with him about him. He told me that I was bitter and that I really didn’t believe in love and how I didn’t want my daughter to fall in love. I told him that I want whomever she falls in love with that I didn’t want them to compete with her, but compliment her. I wanted her to be confident in herself and how she views herself. He made it about him so much so that he brought up my past and things that had occurred before we got married. How that all related in his mind, I don’t know. But he took it back and we started back and forth because I had gotten confused about why he was going off and he brought up the fact that I still talked to other people while we dated. I don’t know about y’all, but my parents told me that I didn’t have to be tied down to anyone. If I wanted to go out to eat with John, then I could and if Barry wanted to take me to a movie, then go….Mr. pointed out that this one guy in particular was always in the background of our “relationship BEFORE MARRIAGE…” and I informed him that we weren’t married and why is what happened before we got married bothering you this much?
He became all up tight and it was pissin me off. This sent me down the path of “Lawd, why did I marry HIMMMMM??” again along with all of the “I. Told. You. So” that my mother had drilled in me prior to me getting married and a little bit after I was married. I just got ill and went to bed. So this morning he calls me to “fake” apologize and try to bring up the same subject again. This time I told him don’t call me no more the rest of the day. But he called and like a dummy I answered and he tried to apologize again and start up again. Guys…our 10 year wedding anniversary is tomorrow and I don’t feel no kind of way about it. To me, it’s 10yrs of being in a marriage that doesn’t seem like a marriage at all. I don’t understand the reason why he feels like I lied to him and cheated on him or whatever his brain is thinking before we got married.
We lived together off and on from 2002-2005 and then got married in 2006. I still can’t wrap my mind around it. If we’re celebrating 10yrs on tomorrow, dafuq you complainin’ for about something that happen way before I even thought about getting married? Anyway, that has me all in my feelings today and just overall upset and how I feel like I’m wasting my life in the 1st place by being in this complacent marriage and then by this immature dude, and just feeling like I’m in an relationship with a 14yr old boy instead of a 39 year old man. Smh But yeah…keep me in your prayers. I’ve been borderline depressed and teary eyed all day and feelin’ like I just want this to be done already and that someone else was coming home to me besides him. Pray for my marriage and pray for me because Phat is real sick and tired of the stupid ish. But I still want the same thing for my daughter and that is for her to have a life and self confidence better than her mom did.
It has been a long time since I’ve been here. It’s been over a year. Trust me when I say I’ve been here several times in my head. I’ve known all my life since keeping a journal, that this is something that needs to remain constant in my life. Some updates, I gave birth to my daughter on May 31st, 2015. Let me just say, that deserves its own blog post. I will share that with you later as I just vomit these words out.
Let’s just say the last time I was here; I was telling you how excited I was about finding out that I was pregnant and having a baby girl. Now I’m hear telling you what I’ve been knowing all along. I should’ve never had gotten married. I’m not even sure at this point if it was even part of God’s plan… (Forgive me Lord.) I mean it seems like these days I’m “pretending” to be a wife, while still being a mom to my children. I can’t say that I’m head over heels in love or if I have ever been. In fact, I’ve never been. Let’s just put it out there.
I struggle daily with my marriage (as I guess do other folx) but I feel like I’m carrying it as a burden and not as something that I’m happy about. I mean I struggle with being nice, loving, intimate…just the overall marriage itself. I have days where I’m like…”Fuck it, I’m out…” but I have nowhere to go and neither does he. His family has completely abandoned him except the occasional FB inbox message from the woman that gave birth to him and from his brother that he was raised in the house with. I still find it hard to believe that his mother is alive and refuses to deal with him because of me. (Again, another post.) But I hate being married. I feel like I’m trapped in a perpetual hell with a man that I don’t want to touch me, kiss me, or etc….because I’m not “feelin'” him like that at all.
I know what you’re thinkin’…”But chyle…y’all got babies together…” Yeah, we do…but the 1st one I don’t know how that happened…like for real and the other was planned down to the days, charts, and ovulation kit. But other than that sex is pretty much nonexistent unless I allow him to touch me or let him know I wanna be touched. But only when I’m a horn ball. I know it’s unfair, but y’all don’t understand. My husband only shows interest in me sexually. No other time…like we don’t talk or communicate much about anything. When we argue hard…it’s about sex. *sigh* I’m so not turned on by this man or stimulated mentally in the least. YESSSS, I’ve communicated this to him and I’ve sought out all kinds of YT videos and Pinterest Pins to try and find a resolution to the problem and to see what it is that I’m doing wrong and what can I do right. But there are some major (Well, major to me…) issues that prevent me from initiating relations between us. And y’all… I want one more baby. Tell me how that’s gonna work?
I’m always fantasizing about how I wish my marriage was and how I wish my husband treated me and catered to me. I just can’t seem to get him to understand. Our marriage is not what I consider a “traditional” marriage. My husband is disabled (my mother told me there would be days like this…) and the bulk of the physical work or just work in general falls on me. I’m tired all the time…I just need to know that this marriage is worth me bending over backwards for, because from where I’m sitting…the grass that looks greener is lookin’ mighty good. Like my momma used to say…”You still there, you ain’t that tired of it yet.” I guess not. I would like to be happy in my marriage, but I guess I just don’t know how. I’m tired of “fakin’ it, till I make it…” I just wanna make it already.
Being pregnant, I’ve seemed to notice that my fuse is even shorter. (As if that’s possible…) But I just can’t take oh but so much. Like for example, a classmate of mine that I went to High School with has sent boxes of baby girl items to us. 3 boxes this past week! I was so excited to receive them! The first box came and it was full of newborn diapers! I was in shock, I was stoked. Even though I plan on being a cloth diapering mom, when I’m out and about, I did use disposable with my son when he was a baby. The second box was packed to the max with baby girl clothes from headbands, to sleepers, and hats. OMGoodess, I was in “Awwww” and “I can’t wait” Heaven…I shared a few photos with my sister who exclaimed how much it was a blessing to receive such awesomeness from a classmate that I hadn’t seen in years. I reached out personally to tell her thank you because I wanted her to know how grateful my husband and I were for her generosity. We talked back and forth and I am just beyond overwhelmed with that in itself. So during this process, I was explaining to my husband about how cute the clothes were and how they just weren’t “off-brand” and how there were some items that had never been worn and how adorable the items are and how I couldn’t wait for him to see them. During this time, my classmate hit me up via FB messenger and exclaimed ” I have more clothes for you, we’re moving and my little girl can no longer wear these items! I’m sending them.” I replied telling her to send them on and we will make room for them. I told Mr about there being more clothes coming and all the while waiting for him to express some sort of interest in viewing the items that had been sent to us.
You see with my last pregnancy, it was just me again running around and purchasing things and scanning items at various registries for our 1st family baby shower while he on the other hand left me to peruse the electronics section. I’m feeling some kinda way again. The last box came on yesterday and I did express that I wanted to wait until he was finished playing his game (yeah, he’s one of those) that I would open the box so we could see what was in it. It was my way of approaching him subtly to let him know that I wanted him to share the moment with him so that we could get excited together about seeing our 1st little girl in these clothes and etc. I waited, and waited, and waited. After a while I started getting irritated because he ended up watching the basketball game (He’s a #Duke fan.). After the game went off, then it was the highlights. I just got hot and started snatching’ the tape off the box and was like ” You know what, I’m tired of waiting, I want to see…” He did all this huffing and puffing and I was like talking myself off a cliff. “Look, he’s not a woman, he doesn’t have those feelings and etc…” So I sat back after taking the tape off and waited for him to show some sort of initiative such as “Baby you ready to see what’s in the box? Nothing…none of that at all…by the time he got up to move back to his “designated” area, it was well after 11pm and I was beyond pissed and hurt. I just looked at him and stated…” we’ll do this tomorrow.” That sums up a lot when it comes to me and him…it normally ends with “we’ll do it tomorrow or later on.” Never on my time…always his.
So, after working a shift this morning, I got done and was somewhat excited (that initial excitement had faded) to actually see what was in the box. So after eating my breakfast of Fruit Loops, I asked him was he ready to see what was in it. He said yeah and I proceed to open up the box. As I begin to “Oohhh and awww” and holding up items for him to see, I look and he’s not even looking, he’s focused on what he’s looking at on his computer. I then call him by his name and he looks and says things like “Hmph…hmmm-hmmm” from that point on, he was silent. I looked up and he was sleeping. I just said “Nevermind…” and proceeded to have a conversation with myself and my unborn daughter about how cute she was gonna be and how I couldn’t wait to see her in this or that and etc…I was smacked in the face with reality again. Why couldn’t he have “faked” it? Here I am, I’ve waited till the next day to look at gifts to us and he didn’t even try to pretend that he was excited as I was. He doesn’t care or seem to understand how that makes me feel. Just like right at this moment, he’s doing what he does best and that’s sleeping in the recliner. The kids did come up and point to the items in the box and say excitedly that it was “for their sister.” But dad…he just dozed, things like that really affect me and make me feel like he doesn’t care. It really makes me feel alone during this time in our lives yet again. I’m so tired of being alone with my sons while he sleeps his way during my pregnancy and just doesn’t have a care in the world. It’s really irritating. Maybe I’m being selfish in wanting him to share these moments with me. However, they do only come once in a lifetime. Each child is different why not be excited about each one?
Do I really deserve everything that is being given to me? You know a lot of times we tend to wonder whether or not we deserve the best and not just settle on what’s being given to us. You guys know the group Mary Mary? We’ll they’re a sister gospel duo that sing praises to the Lord for some of us to enjoy. One of their songs is called “Go Get It…” *Listen to it HERE.* I had a hard time with this song when I 1st heard it. I was wondering why do I have to go get my blessings? God is gonna bless me right where I am.
But in my younger days I remember hearing the older folx say “If you make one step, He’ll make two.” I believe that while you’re taking all those steps that take you on a journey to go get your blessing, all the things that you receive along the way may not be things you want, but things you need. In your soul searching journey, do you forget what you we’re wanting to be blessed with, when you receive something you thought you wanted? Maybe I’m confused. I never wanted to get married, I always wanted kids. However after getting married, I credited my marriage with saving my life. (I’ll share more about that later.) But after being married for 8yrs and having some of the highest of highs and lowest of lows was I wrong in the choosing/getting of my husband? (The Blessing?) I’m alone in another room listening to him shout commands at his new, latest gadget: The XBox Kinect.
When he gets his new toys…it’s like his family doesn’t exist. I’m always with the kids anyway, there’s a new baby on the way, and I’m feeling really alone. This is all over the place, but just roll with me…lol, I chose my husband, it wasn’t the traditional, biblical kinda way and sometimes I feel that my unhappiness comes from me choosing him. I try and put on a happy face, join all these Happy Wives Groups on FB and read and look at what not to do or what to do, but nothing seems to work to take that feeling away. Am I the only one that feels like that? You’ve made your bed, so now you gotta lay in it, literally?
It’s been so long since I’ve been here. I’ve been itching to write for a long time, but I felt as if the things I wanted to write about were so horrific and horrible, that I might be banned from the internet. LOL Let’s see, where to start…for those that followed my previous blog, I wrote about poetry, my life, and shared the things I encountered while out in the world of “Spoken Word.” I was moving on up in my word of Blogtalk Radio, promoting local artist and my youth mentoring program, all while being an awesome mommy of one, wife, and Graduate Student. The last 4 years have brought about some changes and I can’t seem to put my finger on if they were good changes or just changes that had to be made in general.
Within the last 4 years, I have given birth to my 1st biological child, adopted a 2nd child, and I’m now expecting 2nd biological child for a total of 4 children 6 and under…3 BOYS! Except for this child I’m carrying. You see, this here is my protegé, my mini me, my shadow, my one thing that I’ve wanted for a while now….a GIRL! Y’all, I cannot believe that I’m expecting a little girl. This changes the game in so many different ways. There are so many things that I am going to pour deep into my daughter, that she might even get tired of me saying it to her. I love my sons with my everything. It’s sad for me to say this, but my husband unfortunately can’t teach them anything.
My husband comes from a family of moochers and users. Not all, but the side he resided with. They don’t have anything to do with him or us. He still does not fully live up to the definition of a man in my book. I settled. I blame myself for my unhappiness. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, he loves me. But it’s not the type of love that I desired to have from my husband. He is lazy, not a go getter, and has no problems with admitting his flaws, but does nothing about them. My boys learn what they know from my daddy and what I try to teach them in regards to what men do for women and what not to do and as that get older it may be the way I wanted to be treated, to be the way they treat the women that they chose to date. It may not be the best way. But I know that I’m not the only one that likes to courted and catered to. But enough of that, I’ll talk about that in another blog later.
I just know that I want my daughter to know her worth. To love herself and to be in love with herself and who she is. But as far as for right now, she’s baking away. Tucked in my womb and LAWD I’m suffering’ this pregnancy. She’s definitely putting’ a woopin’ on my girlie parts and has taken all of my energy. I have 16 more weeks to go. It may seem like a short time to some of you and an even shorter time to me. But starting from scratch with this blog is going to be something that I have to do, not just for me, but for my daughter and for my sanity. Some days, I don’t feel like it’s worth the trouble, but it hasn’t taken me out just yet.
I’m still learning’ and I plan on sharing what I’ve learned with her and others. Starting from scratch with her makes me feel some kind of way. I feel as if I’ll be living vicariously through her and maybe I will. Not in the sense of do what I did or what I should’ve done. But in the manner of living’ live to be enjoyable and not to make life enjoyable for others and miss out on your sense of self and get lost in the shuffle of being a mother and a wife, especially when you’re not on the receiving end except for sex…oh, y’all heard that…ok, another blog, another day.