No Dream, Without Vision

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Here lately y’all…I’ve been strugglin’. Let me just say that I’m in a space right now where I don’t know where to go right or left. I’ve been feelin’ this way for a while now. I’m not sure on what to do about my feelings except to put them here. No one else seems to care, so instead of venting to people who just nod and grunt as I rant, I’ve decided to do what I do best and that is write them down and share them with God, the Universe, and those that are interested in my lil space in the world and all that goes on within it.

Mr has been missing days here and there out of work. I’m being trying to convince him to get on disability. Some people may not know that my husband has Cerebral Palsy. He was born with it. He does not drive and has never operated a vehicle. He takes public transportation to work that is not as reliable as it should be. As far as disability is concerned, he used to get it some time ago and when he became employed for the 1st time ever in 2005, his disability check stopped and his paychecks started. But over the years, his work ethic has went to ” I ain’t gone be able to take off” to “I don’t feel right/like going/my stomach/my head…” and then taking off and I’m struggling to calculate the already behind bills into something worth paying. We’re currently behind in ALL our bills. EVERY last one of them. I don’t know what to do besides say a prayer and hope that I can pay something on it. But with the kids being sick here and there and each of us having to take time off work for them or either one of us being sick…it has just been a nightmare for me. Mr seems all calm, cool, and collected until we’re “threatened” with a disconnect notice, eviction notice, or something that’s going to really affect him.

I know it appears that I’m ramblin’, but just stay with me a lil while longer. When I got married, I never thought that I’d be where I’m at now. Shoot, I think I told y’all before that I didn’t think I was the marrying type to begin with. But anyway, I never thought that I’d be in a marriage that wasn’t thriving. What I mean by that is, I know people go through struggles and hardships but I never assumed that everyday of my marriage would be a hardship. At least in my opinion. I struggle to do it all while he reaps the benefits. He only has 2-5 things on his mind and none of them involve us getting ahead or getting financially stable. I’m not able to get there because I feel like I’m pickin’ up his slack all the time. Now before someone says, ” Have you talked to him about it?” I’ve did that, wrote it down, put him in FB groups with me, emailed him different financial challenges only for him to say “Yeah let’s do it” and never start or to him never opening my emails. I feel like I’m the only one with visions and goals for our family. I get mad because I feel as if I’m the only one that wants these things such as:

  1. Home Ownership
  2. 401k/529 Savings Plans
  3. Vacation Spots
  4. Savings in general
  5. Better Vehicle
  6. Create more memories for our kids and for us
  7. Fall in love with him and not just for him to desire me sexually all the time
  8. Be able to shop and make purchases without wondering if it will affect our bills
  9. Buy more for our kids
  10. Do more investing and possible flip houses.

Now with that being said…it’s some little incidentals in there too, but that all goes into #10. Mr decided to stay home today just because “he didn’t feel like going in today” and that he was “tired.” I didn’t say a word as he just sat there and called and cancelled his ride this morning. I became really upset and bitter. He was just home yesterday because our daughter and son were sick. I just started a new job and I’m not able to see my $4.00 pay increase because I’m steadily playing catch up. I’m also getting paid weekly which is harder than I thought it would be. I feel so bad at times.

My house is a mess, I can’t stay on top of that, my kids are asking for things that I should be able to get them with no problem, but I can’t because I can’t afford to do the things I should be able to afford to do. *UGH* He has the nerve to get mad when I don’t feel like having sex or being affectionate. I just don’t have it in me. I have no desire for my husband whatsoever. I’ve been praying about it. I just feel like he’s let me down and I’ve let myself down for allowing all of these things to take place. BUT what can you say to a 39yr old man? I can’t make him do anything. So I’m like if you go back on disability, that’s a guaranteed income and you don’t have to worry about being fired if you are sick and whatnot. But he doesn’t want to do that.

Christmas is in 2 weeks. For the past 4yrs or more, my kids have been on the receiving end of gifts for various charitable organizations. I’m tired of that. I know that is what they are there for, but I feel like we should be able to give our children what they want for Christmas and not what strangers have picked out and for some other child that really needs it to get them. I’m not saying that I’m not grateful, but I want to buy my kids Christmas. He seems content every year and he doesn’t even help me go pick out stuff for them. I could go on and on, but a lot of the times I feel like he draggin’ me further and further into the darkness.

I have so many goals and things I want to do for my children and for our family, but I’m the only one that has it. I can’t even get him to help me around the house. He’s only concerned about us not having sex and that in itself is the downfall of our marriage and we have so many issues and blah-blah-blah, but as soon as the “act” is done, I’m the best wife in the world, but he still doesn’t do shit. I just feel like I’m gonna be here forever. His lack of motivation is causing me to be highly upset, stressed out and my anxiety level is above and beyond life. I want another baby, but he doesn’t help me enough with the kids we have, plus our house ain’t big enough, and with the finances we can’t move…I feel like if I can’t have another baby then I’m definitely going to feel some kind of way about that.

I’ve given up a lot for this marriage and still giving up things and he’s only concerned about fuckin’. If he put as much time and effort into going to work, helping me around the house, working to secure our future and our kids, then maybe I would have the desire and the energy to get it on. I don’t know. I hope I don’t sound selfish, but I just feel like I’m on a journey to nowhere but being homeless and having a bunch of meaningless orgasms.


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